not here to help, only to observe and pass judgment

Seward, Nebraska is America’s Small Town Fourth of July City. Apparently, this is a designation that it holds because it has the most spectacular celebration ever. This was their 138th Annual Old Fashioned Small Town Celebration. I was not sure what to expect but as a rule I avoid things that have the adjectives “Old Fashioned” and “Small Town” placed in front of them. Seward is as Amish as I can handle being. This celebration was different, and charming. Certainly, later, the Fourth was celebrated in the way we all celebrate it – having too much to drink before tottering out onto the lawn to light fireworks.

The Fourth of July in Seward is one part talent show/competition, one part craft show and one part scary fly-by-night carnival. The talent show happened all over the square throughout the day, also at their band shell.

I went to one of the Fiala lectures given by one of my favorite professors from when I was an undergraduate, he has since retired due to health reasons so these lectures are to nerdy history majors what the Simon & Garfunkle reunion tour was to stoner baby boomers.

I had seen his lecture on his trip across the Trans Siberian Railroad so I saved myself for the one on Angkor Wat and Cambodia. I was lucky enough to watch this lecture with my friend Sarah, the debater that I trained who eventually disemboweled me, who happens to be a Cambodian Princess because of some bizarre fiction I created around having twelve debaters to raise in one year. I called them Cambodian refugees because apparently Sooze and I had adopted them and calling them our “disciples” would have caused more trouble than we wanted. After the lecture Sarah and I got our picture made with Dr. Fiala, which was an honor considering that he is a busy celebrity in our lives. The other Sarah and I ran into many other celebrities and even a Senator, all of whom are posted on buzz net.

You have all been to carnivals before so I do not need to describe the deliciously dangerous (diarrhea generating garbage) that you consume before getting on rides that were put together by someone who barely passed eighth grade. I can say whatever I want about Carny Folk, if they can read they have Internet and if they have Internet they are probably not here for the blogs. The most amazing part of the Seward Fourth of July was the parade.

The parade, like any other parade, starts with people lining the route of the parade but in Seward people merely left their chairs and blankets on the side of the road and left. Sarah was concerned about having enough seating at her barbeque later – any self-respecting coasty would have repatriated these chairs, she did not take any.

The amazing thing about the parade is that before it starts people like United States Senators are milling about talking to people, I even had my picture with one and he hugged me. At home, if you approached a Senator at a parade you would have participated in a Rodney King reenactment – not handed your camera to a woman who used to the First Lady of Nebraska to take your picture with her husband.

The thing that did not amaze me was this: with the exception of Senator Nelson himself, the Democrats there were too cool for school and snubbed people who tried to talk to them while the Republicans were busy handing things out, preparing things to be handed out and talking to the crowd. Democrats affect politics through policy while Republicans affect policy through politics. The Democrats like to talk how they are ‘of the people’ but you did not see them among them very much on the Fourth of July. I am still voting for Senator Nelson, even if I live in Connecticut, and I have his bumper sticker on my car.

The parade’s theme was “Pride on the Prairie” which would have featured different things had it been done back home, but the theme should have been “Offend Chaos Bean,” because the parade was replete with performing animals, Republicans in SUVs, three Wal Mart floats, Pro-Life protestors (you know, the anti abortion/pro death penalty oxymorons) and people in stereotypical costumes depicting ethnic minorities, I am embarrassed to admit that my college had one of the offending floats and was aghast that my alumni pals and I there for the parade were not marching with them. Had we not been so close to the Democrats I would have said, “I left my Klan hood at home” because I am afraid one of them would have finally stopped acting like they were not campaigning, been helpful, and gave me one of theirs.

I was, honestly, horrified by the parade. It had it points at which it was quaint and charming but there were other parts at which I was hoping that no one saw me there because getting back into the blue states can be a bother when you have behaved yourself, I cannot imagine what would have happen if they knew I was at a parade featuring the things that this one did.